Layoffs, bankruptcies, alien Invasion, robotic holocaust followed by a robotic apocalypse and rising unemployment – the past 12 months have been an especially traumatic time for those seeking gainful employment. Every employee is different when it comes to considering a “dream job”, but here’s a top 5 list of jobs that may surprise you …
1. ROBOT OVERLORD’S SLAVE
there’s no stigma associated with slavery since the 21550’s battle to end all stigmas. so. there’s that. plus, robot overlords offer incredible pension plans with full health benefits. they retro fit your broken feeble human body parts with leftover computer parts to ensure your slavery for millennia. is it any wonder why it’s first on the list? HAIL KLARGH!
2. ALIEN’S SLAVE
it’s a similar position to that of robot overlord’s slave; however, one of these two juggernauts of power and control are going to dominate the universe eventually. you should really choose a side if you want to survive. in addition, the alien slave position comes with 4 extra days of sick leave.
3. BLACKJACK DEALER
after the creulean wars and the abolishment of all forms of gambling in the milky way, cartwheel, and sunflower galaxies; no one ever imagined this job making any top job lists. but, 300 years later and we’re finally going to legalize gambling as talks about filling this position are hotter than ever.
4. PRESIDENT OF EARTH
it’s considered a minimum wage job at 18 yetiton per hour, but you get to interact with humans, aliens, and robots all day. if you’re lucky, none of them will try to kidnap you, torture you, and leave you on a uninhabited planet to die. it’s a dirty job and it’s wrought with danger; so, apply today!
5. EXO PLANETARY MINER
there’s no surprise here! everyone wants to shorten their lifespan and get out of this god forsaken universe. we’ve turned our messes into a catastrophic chain of unimaginable disasters. the universe we explored and exploited, as we spread disease, hatred, and war from planet to planet, is now a mirror reflection of humanity’s greedy dark empty soul. we taught our robot creations to despise us and we incited every alien species’ wrath. now every job seeker just wants a job that can kill them as quickly as possible. HAPPY MINING, Y’ALL!
it feels like the last time. and. the last time felt like a crab-walk.
a backwards painful crab-walk from the kitchen to the bedroom.
that was painful.
this feels like the last time, but it has more words
it has more emotions. time. different places. and. it still feels backwards.
It’s backwards and lonely.
the other times never felt like this.
twice it was Inspiring. motivating. captivating.
once it was lovely. dearer than … missed. potentially.
another time it was forward, very forward; that was painful in other ways.
this time it’s just me. and … you? who.
it just feels like the last time. wasted. backwards. scheduled.
the sun comes up.
the sun goes down.
the bed is made.
the sheets are cleaned.
the utility bill is paid.
the laundry finds its way.
this feels more like the last time with more words. it seems.
it’s more than another crab-walk.
It’s more wasted years.
a fez (or any hat)
a slave ship
a pizza - so, stop trying to do all this crazy shit with pizzas, y’all! i’m really just looking at you, domino’s! ooooh! i swear, one of these hats i’m going to poem with you!!
let’s kill tonight. murder tomorrow. suffocate today. and fight forever.
(if there’s enough time after all that; we’ll take a nap)
i’m tired of doing my laundry. i’m tired of shaving my chest. i’m tired of this zit on my thigh. i’m tired of biking. i’m tired of going to work. i’m tired of being a consumer. i’m tired of working for corporations who care less about employees than positions that need filled. i’m tired of thievery, robbery, and muggings. i’m tired of the 1%. i’m tired of lies, the good, the evil, the compromise. i’m tired of charlie rose. i’m tired of the rape of innocence. i’m tired of being single and alone. i’m tired of weddings. i’m tired of friendship. i’m tired of conversation. i’m tired of music, art, culture, and reckless wars. i’m tired of oxymorons. i’m tired of fucking virgins. i’m tired of stupidity, mine & yours. i’m tired of famine. i’m tired of fame. i’m tired of settling for less. i’m tired of being my best. i’m tired of paying for meals. i’m tired of going dutch. i’m tired of the dichotomy. i’m tired of life and it’s tired of me. well. maybe. i’m not tired of charlie rose. but. i’m definitely tired of this zit on my leg.